This mid-November marked the fifth anniversary of my husband’s death. For years after his death, every single morning I would wake up with this intense, overwhelming feeling of dread, and it would hit within seconds after consciousness. I would have this sinking feeling in my stomach like something bad was about to happen, only the feeling didn’t go away. That something bad felt like my whole life. I couldn’t believe this was the life I had to lead, that I had to live another day trying to manage everything on my own. I felt so alone and abandoned.
As the years have passed, I have become more adept at handling life. I have done some hard personal work, toiling to change the way I looked at things and improving my mindset. That’s why when November 1st came around, and I started to get that same feeling of dread upon wakening, I couldn’t believe that it was back. What was going on? I thought my life was improving, and that I had found ways of coping. Then I realized that it was my body keeping the score. Even though I felt in my head that my trauma was over, my body was still reverberating with the pain I had experienced.
After I realized that, I allowed my body to feel that pain. I sat with it. I talked to myself and breathed through the waves of grief. Once I did that, the feelings of dread ceased. I still felt sad, but I thanked my body for holding the memory. Those feelings of sadness were a tribute to the love that I once shared. I thanked my subconscious for its awareness and protection even when my conscious was not mindful of it. While I will continue to work toward improving my mindset and having an attitude of gratitude for all I have accomplished, today I will hold space for the trauma and sorrow that will still always be a part of me. I miss you, David.
Work at Home Widow 